Oil and Mid-Term Elections

Hey, everybody, Russell here with another totally presumptuous, smug, and probably ill-conceived solution to the world's problems.

So listen up, all you politicians out there. Gas prices are wicked high right now, and it looks like something finally affected all of us ignorant Americans enough to inspire us to stack the kindling high beneath your backsides. Your approval ratings are at an all-time low; please accept my condolences, but I don't have any idea how to drive prices down enough to get yourselves out of the frying pan. I have some ideas on how to help, though, but it might not be in time for re-election.

1.) Don't go starting any more wars. They tend to use a lot of fuel, and even if you win them, the pipelines and stuff are usually bombed to pieces and oil doesn't start flowing as soon as you'd expect (see unnecessary and protracted campaign in Iraq, 2003-present).

2.) Tell Ted Stevens to go jump in a lake. Drilling in ANWR would be really foolish -- the only end it leads to is a gilded retirement for the esteemed Alaska senator. It would take a long time to get the refineries and pumps up and running -- it'll have absolutely no significance on gas prices before this next election, except in public perception, which you're about to revamp. Plus, there just isn't that much oil there.

3.) Revamp public perception of oil prices. The oil we're putting into our cars right now got extracted about 18 months ago. So all the feather-puffing with regards to this Iran thing is really only giving Exxon, Shell, BP, Texaco, and their other friends an excuse to raise prices, not a legitimate reason to. Furthermore, stop pretending like the price increases are justified. Exxon broke the record last year for most profit ever, in the history of capitalism. Looks like that money we were paying at the pumps wasn't just going to the Saudis and Exxon's pumps. Also, make it clear to everyone that most of our oil comes from Canada, and list off our other top suppliers. Hint: they aren't Iran or Iraq.

4.) Invest in alternate fuels. This is especially sneaky, because not only do you help detach the American economy from its dependence on oil, but you scare OPEC. That's right, scare OPEC. A venture capital investor in California who has his sights set on ethanol production was recently cautioned by a senior Saudi official that "it costs less than a dollar to lift a barrel of Saudi oil out of the ground," and that "if biofuels start to take off we will drop the price of oil" ("A healthier addiction," The Economist, March 25-31). Yeah, you read that right, drop the price of oil. They're scared of alternate fuels. So pony up some serious cash, help some of these investors out, and maybe when OPEC drops the price of oil to undermine this investment, protect it with a little tax on gasoline, and use the income from the tax to put more money into alternative forms of energy.

5.) This isn't tied to oil, but it is tied to your approval ratings. Chill out, guys. You're making us all sick with your bickering -- do something right for the American people instead of business, stop marching lock-stepped with your parties, and maybe people will have some reason other than multi-million dollar ad campaigns to vote for you and maybe, just maybe, people won't automatically assume you're a bunch of despicable, petty, and stupid lackeys.

Those are pretty reasonable ideas, right? I kinda doubt relieving the demand by buying less oil for the national reserve is going to reduce prices all that much, especially when oil prices aren't, after all, directly related to short term demand. And I doubt relaxing the Clean Air Act's regulations for pollutants is going to do anything but make us breathe grungier air. Perhaps the most nonsensical way of reducing fuel prices is Bush's recent remark about being short on crude and being short on gas, and therefore needing more refineries. To refine what, exactly, if we're short on crude?

Anyhow, good luck on those mid-term elections, fellas. Hope this helps.