Same ol' story, same ol' song and dance, my friend

That's what it's looking like for the next couple days. I'm back in Phoenix for a bit, working a little back at REI, hanging out with some friends before I (or they) take off for six weeks. I'll be at camp.

I returned from my trip to my grandparents' house in York and Emily's place in Las Cruces. Both are pretty enthralling locales, let me tell you, but I had good company in both cases, making for a perfectly delightful trip.

Except for those mountains.

And I-10.

Although, I've gotta hand it to the other drivers on I-10 (I was nowhere near Tucson, of course...the drivers between Tucson and Phoenix are miserable), it wasn't a very harrowing trip. Most of them were very courteous, gave me some space if they wanted to pass me, and didn't make it too hard on me if I wanted to pass them. Everything changed, naturally, when I hit US-60 after Florence. Once again, I'm compelling to reassert the musings of Randall Graves -- there are a bunch of savages in this town. Some jerk was going at least 110 mph, cutting everyone off that he possibly could. Unfortunately, if he got pulled over, I didn't witness it. As soon as I got on the 101, the first car I saw was, of course, a Hummer H2, with "HOOTERS" emblazoned on the side in huge red letters. That's class.

If I haven't ranted about the abominable idiocy of the Hummer H2 before (and even if I have), I'm going to take some time to do so now.

It's just a Chevy Tahoe chassis. Only the body is a lot heavier, with a much higher center of gravity, and an astounding ratio of plastic armor to functional pieces (rivaled only by the Chevrolet Avalanche or its tasteless Cadillac counterpart). The Tahoe isn't a remarkable off-road vehicle to begin with -- actually, as far as I can see, its only purpose is towing boats, aside from some ridiculous image thing. Its off-road capabilities are severely hindered by its higher center of gravity, its extra weight, and, naturally, the moron driving it.

I should have expected it. I knew I couldn't finish up my diatribe against the H2 on a logical note. Here goes...

As senseless as the H2 is to begin with, its popularity is far more damaging to society than its oversize tires and ostentatious plastic armor. It indicates that there is a handful of Darwinian nightmares in this country that find it appealing. They think everyone will have a higher opinion of them if they prove that they can exude $50,000+ dollars on something that's utterly pointless. Apparently, there is no better way to prove that you are intelligent and successful than squandering the fruits of your labor on a huge, useless pile of crap.

The "HOOTERS" H2 didn't want to let me in. In his defense, and to the detriment of the vehicle's reputation, maybe he couldn't see me from way up there. More likely, I'm afraid, he thought he was better than me. After all, I'm just some college-aged peon in his parents' Subaru. Not nearly as much plastic armor, smaller tires, far less weight, and a far lower bottom line must translate into less prestige and social value.

I would have loved to gun it, cut him off, open up the glove box, and push the oil slick button, but then I remembered that I'm not James Bond and that the Subaru has never quite made it into Q-Branch. I merely slowed down and pulled in behind him, swearing under my breath as I did it, and immediately feeling sheepish for swearing under my breath. My windows were rolled up, the AC was on pretty high, Aerosmith was blaring, there were cars all around us, I was still a good ten meters (or more) away from the twit in the H2, his windows were up, his AC was undoubtedly on, I'm sure his engine was really cranking to keep all that plastic moving down the freeway, and, lastly, with a car like that, he was clearly compensating for something, and if he had miraculously heard me he wouldn't have had the [ahem] guts to say anything about it.

So yeah. Back in the valley, hanging out with friends, swearing at H2s, and ranting incessantly. It's the same old story, the same old song and dance.